The first follow up

So this is embarrassing. I’ve added two things and done only two of it all!!! I’ve got to get better. Slow start but ill make it better so this at least get a little more interesting.Well there’s one thing for sure, I feel a little lighter, feel like there is a little more power in myself and I’m finding myself during the day where I’m a little happier or lighter.

Even though most of the times I feel like a big pile of poop. Mainly because I let other peoples problems and moods affect me. People love loading their nonsense on everyone around them. I’m slowly and politely of loading it on the sidewalk and walking away from it and leaving it where it should be. Out of my home and me.

I’m going to finish this checklist so the next one can be little enjoyable. Yes.  

WHAT AM I DOING NOW:

this is different. sitting at a table with a book on the side and mug of milk.

no song today, just my thoughts.

CHECKLISTs

So I’ve made a checklist of things I need/want to do. So I am going to share that with you. Maybe it will motivate me to do all of them and help me want to make more and keep crossing those tasks off!! i know for sure that will be the most favorite part of it.

I should also let you know that I’m an architect and a photographer. So things on the checklist might not always make sense to you because they might just be names of people’s photos I need to edit or something of that sort.

I should have added one more thing. 

8) get off your bed!!!!!!!

WHAT AM I DOING?

theres nothing new- i'm here sitting on my bed.

Home or Cave

Am I a girl who is at home today because I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life? Or am I a girl who is in reality a hermit in her cave?

I went out last night and I just had no idea as to how to socialize, talk or start a conversation. That really isn’t too normal with me. I’ve always been able to make conversation with random strangers with ease and keep talking for hours about anything under the sun. I dont know when in the last few months I have misplaced that trait or where have I lost it?

All my really good friends are overseas. I have a couple here, I think for the first time ever I feel like I miss having someone in the same country as me. Or I’m just making excuses for being anti social.

I guess I’m just so stressed at home all the time that I don’t know how to feel or how to behave. I think I’ve let my home situation become me.  That isn’t a very pleasant thought. My home situation has become my cave and me its hermit.

Hope I can find a way back to life. Otherwise I have a feeling you will be reading a lot more of these slightly sad posts.

WHAT AM I DOING:

on my terrace looking at heavy traffic on the road.

A mess.

Thoughts spring up in your mind at times you never expect. And some of those you like to put down on paper. But if you look closely you realize there something around you that makes these thoughts pop up. You might say you don’t know but its obvious, if you observe it you'll see it or hear or realize it.

I find myself thinking or writing usually when I’m listening to a song or when I’m frustrated with a situation in my life. Or had a fight or when I miss somebody. I very rarely find myself writing when I’m happy. That’s probably because I find myself enjoying the moment or lost in it. That’s a good thing, yes, but I sometimes wish I do something or put something together to remember those moments.

So today I found myself sitting and staring at my blanket just thinking about how clueless I was in my life. I looked around my room and none of it seemed to be me. My room was a mess, things lying around and confused. Like my mind. I noticed things, which showed me glimpses of what I want it to be, or what I want my life to be. Like a couple of sheets on my soft board with things to do from months ago, or a random bunch of lights hanging on my ceiling. Of course the words written in pencil on my wall that I wanted to paint -3 months ago. I don’t know why all these things are undone, are not crossed off. What am I really scared off or am I just lazy. I just don’t recognize myself anymore.

Sometimes I realize I’m a hypocrite, I help my friends get out of mucky situation or help them start off or push them to be the better person they are when they find themselves sinking or insecure. But I never do that for myself, why is it? Am I waiting for someone to push me without taking control of my life? A friend who’d do that for me? Definitely not my family as I’m the youngest and in my experience it becomes more of a power struggle with my mom and sister. I don’t expect that kind of support from them. I know better. Maybe one day.

But I’m lucky to have friends like I do. I think more than them expressing anything, I know I can rely on them and just that thought helps me. I guess when I look at myself in my head and I’m disappointed it helps to know your friends love you because they want to not because they have to. That should be enough to know I’m not all that bad. I think that should be enough of a push for me to start wanting to be better because I know I have these people who will just be happy and not expect anything else but my betterment.

WHAT I WAS DOING:
Sitting on my bed, looking around. Listening to Suddenly-Matthew Barber.
such a beautiful song. i could identify with at this point.

a feeling called 'HOME'

the dampness in the breeze that took the shape of my face made me smile with a sense of realisation. the realisation of the that feeling that used to be so familiar but lost now. the comforting feeling of home.  the comfort you get from losing yourself in your thoughts, memories of sensations like the wind and heat.

the pleasant surprise was what triggered that lovely stir in my body. it was my friends, i realised today that my home is my friends. the feelings and experiences Ive gone through with them or felt because of them were all choices to do or to feel. sometimes that fleeting moment when you realise a bad fight was pointless or the fact that you might be over thinking something and whatever it is with and whoever they might be it ll pass, that fleeting moment in my mind gives me a high. its gives me strength that i have stability with my circle of choices. just the reassurance i feel from myself that i have myself to back myself. 

these wonderful people in my life have reminded me yet again that i have a feeling to come back to at the end of a tiring day. sometimes its not a physical place you need to come back to but its that state of mind you need to sleep with. that state of mind where you feel calm and comfortable which takes the shape of your body and soul is called home. 

today i managed to feel that in beautiful weather in a rickshaw.

i have come back to my place of rest for the night feeling home in my bones helping my heart feel light.