Thoughts spring up in your mind at times you never expect.
And some of those you like to put down on paper. But if you look closely you
realize there something around you that makes these thoughts pop up. You might
say you don’t know but its obvious, if you observe it you'll see it or hear or
realize it.
I find myself thinking or writing usually when I’m listening
to a song or when I’m frustrated with a situation in my life. Or had a fight or
when I miss somebody. I very rarely find myself writing when I’m happy. That’s
probably because I find myself enjoying the moment or lost in it. That’s a good
thing, yes, but I sometimes wish I do something or put something together to
remember those moments.
So today I found myself sitting and staring at my blanket just
thinking about how clueless I was in my life. I looked around my room and none
of it seemed to be me. My room was a mess, things lying around and confused.
Like my mind. I noticed things, which showed me glimpses of what I want it to
be, or what I want my life to be. Like a couple of sheets on my soft board with
things to do from months ago, or a random bunch of lights hanging on my
ceiling. Of course the words written in pencil on my wall that I wanted to
paint -3 months ago. I don’t know why all these things are undone, are not
crossed off. What am I really scared off or am I just lazy. I just don’t
recognize myself anymore.
Sometimes I realize I’m a hypocrite, I help my friends get
out of mucky situation or help them start off or push them to be the better
person they are when they find themselves sinking or insecure. But I never do
that for myself, why is it? Am I waiting for someone to push me without taking
control of my life? A friend who’d do that for me? Definitely not my family as I’m
the youngest and in my experience it becomes more of a power struggle with my
mom and sister. I don’t expect that kind of support from them. I know better.
Maybe one day.
But I’m lucky to have friends like I do. I think more than
them expressing anything, I know I can rely on them and just that thought helps
me. I guess when I look at myself in my head and I’m disappointed it helps to
know your friends love you because they want to not because they have to. That
should be enough to know I’m not all that bad. I think that should be enough of
a push for me to start wanting to be better because I know I have these people
who will just be happy and not expect anything else but my betterment.
WHAT I WAS DOING:
Sitting on my bed, looking around. Listening to Suddenly-Matthew Barber.
such a beautiful song. i could identify with at this point.
WHAT I WAS DOING:
Sitting on my bed, looking around. Listening to Suddenly-Matthew Barber.
such a beautiful song. i could identify with at this point.
