Avva's Tulasi pooja

So I am start to put up my photography. Hope you like it.

Here goes.



This is a series of 3 photos of my grandmother's morning routine and small conversation I have had with her during them. From when I was a kid I would always like to go hide and wait for the morning Tulasi pooja to be done. At the end of it I would steal the jaggery from her aarti plate and run as fast I could before I got caught. As I grew up the stealing stopped and the watching began.





The Lord likes colours.

Every morning she plucks flowers from our garden to offer to the Lord. She always gets equal parts of different colours. She laughed and told me when I asked her “ He might think he’s simple but I know he likes colours.”







Age lines
This Tulasi katte (brindawan) is as old as the house- 48yrs. Everyday she wipes it and puts kumkum and saffron on it. Like the lines that have grown on her so beautifully, the katte also has her gentle finger’s impression on them. Over time these lines only grow darker and deeper and stronger.






Same colour different form.
I am not too religious but I am on a path to understand spirituality. When I see the Tulasi plant and my grandmother next to each other they seem like reincarnates of each other. Tender, strong, nourishing, wise and they both have healing powers for one’s heart.

its been a while.

hello,

yes i know its been a while a month or so right?
well sooo much has happened in the last few weeks its  unbelievable. ill start with my story tomorrow! stay tuned. it ll be simple short and sweet.

but for today, i decided to say bye bye to my old checklist becasue its finally done and ive done more than everything on my checklist.
here's my post . a blod post a day. done!

A FESTIVAL and A SMALL PRAYER and A BEGINNING

We have a festival in India called Ganesha Chaturthi/Habba . It is a Hindu festival celebrated in honour of the god Ganesha. He is known as the remover of obstacles and the god of beginnings and wisdom. So from when I was a child whenever we celebrated this festival we’d keep a silver plate under the idol with a book or textbook of the toughest subject we had in school. Hoping ,you know, that he would remove it from our lives or ,like our parents would assume, we hoped to get better at it. It’s a simple tradition that gives us a little hope to get better at what we do each year, or a little boost of self confidence to help us overcome whatever ‘obstacle’ we are facing in our lives.

Im not a typical god believer but I do believe in the power of people and nature to change us when we let it. A little spiritual. I let feeling guide me. So I do partake in most of the festivals that happen in my house because I belive  that they bring us closer, give us a break in our mundane lives, they make us do small exercises that help us with so many things in our lives that we never realize. They give us hope when we are down. They make us realize we need to be grateful for people we are around. There are mantras and poojas that are performed in that I don’t know much about (but lately have ben a  little curious to learn) but feel like they bring some kind routine in our lives which I call stability. They also make you fit! I remember my feet were burning after sitting on the floor for just 30 mins. My grandpa and grandma used to sit on the floor for an hour when they were 90yrs and 80yrs- I just 24!  So basically ive had a bunch of realisations.

So I realized I need to be the remover of my obstacles and and needed a beginning with the little help of a little faith from the good in this world. It was a symbolic tradition that came to me at the right time in my life. I keep trying to start and I keep slowing down, but im not giving up, I just need to start doing.

When I did the pooja this time, I didn’t keep a book of the hardest subject in my life but I did  keep my camera battery and wrote a little prayer to myself  on a piece of paper. A small wish I made to myself to begin with even if its slow

GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO LIVE OUTSIDE MYSELF 

AND

SEE PEOPLES STORIES AND CAPTURE THEM AND

MAKE IT THEIRS.

HELP ME UNDERSTAND HOW TO LOVE AND CHERISH AND BLOOM IN WHATEVER SURROUNDING I FIND MYSELF IN.

WHAT AM I DOING-                                                                                                                                      

on a yoga mat, sitting in the sun and soaking it all up. :)

The first follow up

So this is embarrassing. I’ve added two things and done only two of it all!!! I’ve got to get better. Slow start but ill make it better so this at least get a little more interesting.Well there’s one thing for sure, I feel a little lighter, feel like there is a little more power in myself and I’m finding myself during the day where I’m a little happier or lighter.

Even though most of the times I feel like a big pile of poop. Mainly because I let other peoples problems and moods affect me. People love loading their nonsense on everyone around them. I’m slowly and politely of loading it on the sidewalk and walking away from it and leaving it where it should be. Out of my home and me.

I’m going to finish this checklist so the next one can be little enjoyable. Yes.  

WHAT AM I DOING NOW:

this is different. sitting at a table with a book on the side and mug of milk.

no song today, just my thoughts.

CHECKLISTs

So I’ve made a checklist of things I need/want to do. So I am going to share that with you. Maybe it will motivate me to do all of them and help me want to make more and keep crossing those tasks off!! i know for sure that will be the most favorite part of it.

I should also let you know that I’m an architect and a photographer. So things on the checklist might not always make sense to you because they might just be names of people’s photos I need to edit or something of that sort.

I should have added one more thing. 

8) get off your bed!!!!!!!

WHAT AM I DOING?

theres nothing new- i'm here sitting on my bed.

Home or Cave

Am I a girl who is at home today because I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life? Or am I a girl who is in reality a hermit in her cave?

I went out last night and I just had no idea as to how to socialize, talk or start a conversation. That really isn’t too normal with me. I’ve always been able to make conversation with random strangers with ease and keep talking for hours about anything under the sun. I dont know when in the last few months I have misplaced that trait or where have I lost it?

All my really good friends are overseas. I have a couple here, I think for the first time ever I feel like I miss having someone in the same country as me. Or I’m just making excuses for being anti social.

I guess I’m just so stressed at home all the time that I don’t know how to feel or how to behave. I think I’ve let my home situation become me.  That isn’t a very pleasant thought. My home situation has become my cave and me its hermit.

Hope I can find a way back to life. Otherwise I have a feeling you will be reading a lot more of these slightly sad posts.

WHAT AM I DOING:

on my terrace looking at heavy traffic on the road.

A mess.

Thoughts spring up in your mind at times you never expect. And some of those you like to put down on paper. But if you look closely you realize there something around you that makes these thoughts pop up. You might say you don’t know but its obvious, if you observe it you'll see it or hear or realize it.

I find myself thinking or writing usually when I’m listening to a song or when I’m frustrated with a situation in my life. Or had a fight or when I miss somebody. I very rarely find myself writing when I’m happy. That’s probably because I find myself enjoying the moment or lost in it. That’s a good thing, yes, but I sometimes wish I do something or put something together to remember those moments.

So today I found myself sitting and staring at my blanket just thinking about how clueless I was in my life. I looked around my room and none of it seemed to be me. My room was a mess, things lying around and confused. Like my mind. I noticed things, which showed me glimpses of what I want it to be, or what I want my life to be. Like a couple of sheets on my soft board with things to do from months ago, or a random bunch of lights hanging on my ceiling. Of course the words written in pencil on my wall that I wanted to paint -3 months ago. I don’t know why all these things are undone, are not crossed off. What am I really scared off or am I just lazy. I just don’t recognize myself anymore.

Sometimes I realize I’m a hypocrite, I help my friends get out of mucky situation or help them start off or push them to be the better person they are when they find themselves sinking or insecure. But I never do that for myself, why is it? Am I waiting for someone to push me without taking control of my life? A friend who’d do that for me? Definitely not my family as I’m the youngest and in my experience it becomes more of a power struggle with my mom and sister. I don’t expect that kind of support from them. I know better. Maybe one day.

But I’m lucky to have friends like I do. I think more than them expressing anything, I know I can rely on them and just that thought helps me. I guess when I look at myself in my head and I’m disappointed it helps to know your friends love you because they want to not because they have to. That should be enough to know I’m not all that bad. I think that should be enough of a push for me to start wanting to be better because I know I have these people who will just be happy and not expect anything else but my betterment.

WHAT I WAS DOING:
Sitting on my bed, looking around. Listening to Suddenly-Matthew Barber.
such a beautiful song. i could identify with at this point.

a feeling called 'HOME'

the dampness in the breeze that took the shape of my face made me smile with a sense of realisation. the realisation of the that feeling that used to be so familiar but lost now. the comforting feeling of home.  the comfort you get from losing yourself in your thoughts, memories of sensations like the wind and heat.

the pleasant surprise was what triggered that lovely stir in my body. it was my friends, i realised today that my home is my friends. the feelings and experiences Ive gone through with them or felt because of them were all choices to do or to feel. sometimes that fleeting moment when you realise a bad fight was pointless or the fact that you might be over thinking something and whatever it is with and whoever they might be it ll pass, that fleeting moment in my mind gives me a high. its gives me strength that i have stability with my circle of choices. just the reassurance i feel from myself that i have myself to back myself. 

these wonderful people in my life have reminded me yet again that i have a feeling to come back to at the end of a tiring day. sometimes its not a physical place you need to come back to but its that state of mind you need to sleep with. that state of mind where you feel calm and comfortable which takes the shape of your body and soul is called home. 

today i managed to feel that in beautiful weather in a rickshaw.

i have come back to my place of rest for the night feeling home in my bones helping my heart feel light.

respect or love

I'm thinking a little more today. i think that why i also have headache he he. just kidding.

if i had to choose between respect and love, what would i choose?
i think from my friends i would want love because only after they respect you do they love you. that is the experience i have with my friends. they only love you because they agree and accept who you are.

but i fight for respect with my family. do we all face the same fight with our family? why is it that getting respect from your family ends up always being a battle we need to face in our lives? I'm not saying i respect anyone easily. to think of it i only look at the concept when i sit and thin like this about respect.

with my family i don't know how respect is. but i feel like in my family we crave love more than respect. don't mistake me we love each other in our own but we fail to see that in the others perspective. i end up feeling we're never happy with the amount of love we receive from our family and in turn we get angry with them when what we really crave for is the same attention from ourselves or the those from the outside of this circle. we turn on our family instead of embracing what they give us.

i come from an Indian family and we're very close knit, sometimes that closeness is the reason for the suffocation we silently face. we end up unintentionally want respect more than love- respect give us attention from other people, makes you look good, accomplished, secure, strong- acceptable. so i find myself sometimes trying to check the small boxes next to these title and forget what it is i really want, whose love or respect i want. i think in the journey of ticking these boxes we end up choosing respect over love.

i think over incidents and over time i've come to realise at this stage in my life-
i choose love.

anyday.

well im back to square 1

i think this is the lowest I've ever been in my life. The funny part is its also the most time ive spent with my family.
you think its going to be a great time, im not stupid a little disagreements, fights and screaming is bound to happen. but is this how bad it should get!
i never thought of it that way!
i feel like most of our fights are caused because we are having personal issues and we end up projecting it on others. and oh my! i can finally say the most mentally distrubing hormone other than testosterone is oestrogen!

too many women in one place is hell! i sorry to all the feminists out there. im just humanist talking. i believe shit happens to everyone, ofcourse there are cases where some are more than the other but lets not get into that!we re talking about my life which has a little too much of the o hormone.

i find myself with a constant weight in my mind. people are just arguing all the time. they have an issue all the time. and i dont know why! im just sick of it and i want to get out.

thats all for today.

lesson: TOO  MUCH OESTROGEN IN ONE PLACE= EMOTIONAL DISTRUCTION.

A letter

Love Yourself.

Self love is the best journey in your life. Your lucky to realize at such a young age that that is really the key to living life. Imagine most of the married couple in India or anywhere else. They re still struggling and waiting to be accepted.

Don't be like them. Start accepting yourself now. Always remember if your not happy with who you are. You can change it. Change is the most beautiful thing in your life. Embrace it :)

There will be stretches of months like you've had. But i have a feeling those negative stretches will only get lesser if you let them.

If you feel different about something that's alright. Just love every step you take. physically and mentally.

People say that you need to mentally be in tune more than physically. But look around you. The physical aspect of it. There is so much to see and so much to learn.

Every step that you take tell yourself your lucky to walk. Not because there are people out there who cant. But just the fact that you can! You need to love everything in you and around you before you look at anything else with comparison.

Its about time you stop being scared and upset and depressed and judgmental and cautious. Its time you free yourself and just love. No history no baggage nothing. The experiences in your life should only teach you to appreciate the now and not become a story to put on your mantle. The only times you should think of the pain in your life should be when you feel grateful that its over and you've moved on. Or you 'll just be stuck.

pull yourself out. and smile and love. 

P.S. Sometime when you write a letter you realize your actually writing to yourself. That is liberating because i feel like i have more space to grow.